Losing Jesus

Have you ever hit a point in your life where you felt like Jesus was lost to you? Maybe you struggled through a trial or were wrapped up in the happenings of your life. I lost Jesus a few months after marriage. 

I sought perfection and was determined to be the best wife there ever was. Breakfast? Hot and ready to go with my husband in the morning as I sent him off with a kiss (with my hair done).  Dinner? Perfectly set on the table at 6:30pm. Home? Cleaned and scrubbed to the bone every day. Husband? Satisfied with his perfect wife and never worried or concerned because his wife was meeting his needs. I was my source for energy. I was my source for strength. I was my source for patience, kindness, self-control, and all of the other fruits of the spirit. I was my source, so I lost Jesus. 

Somewhere around the 4 month mark, my tank of resources had been exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was wake up before Josh and make more dishes, cereal sounded great for dinner, candles magically made my house feel cleaner, and the slightest remark form Josh about me not being perfect was enough to send me into a psychotic break.  

I buried the Holy Spirit and turned away from Jesus believing I could be a wife all by myself. But I couldn't, so I blamed Josh for my loss of "umph" instead of allowing myself to feel convicted for not finding my strength and affirmation in Jesus. "You don't show me enough attention. You don't give me enough affirmation. You don't love me enough. You don't show appreciation. I feel used by you. You work too much. You, you, you..." Poor man. 

I wish I could say that Jesus shone down a light from Heaven and said in a booming voice, "Daughter, get it together, you may have lost me for a little while, but I'm here. Read a Bible verse, find your strength in me, and stop acting out." But that didn't happen. What did happen, was a slow realization that my joy was found in the strength I could provide myself. If you do the math, that's not much joy. I gradually understood the problem was not my sweet, loving husband. The problem was a wife who lost Jesus and burnt out trying to succeed without Him.

Don't lose Jesus. If you are currently your own source, don't fool yourself... you won't make it long. "Fake it til' you make it" doesn't work here. If you've lost Him already, that weird feeling in your gut is the Holy Spirit making a comeback to convict you. If you find yourself making excuses for your behavior or finding someone else to blame, stop. Realize your wrongs, and find Him again. Don't know where to start? No problem. Below are a handful of verses to get jump start you out of the gate.

Find Him again. Ready, set, go! 

Proverbs 8:17, Deuteronomy 4:29-31, Jeremiah 29:13, Hebrews 11:6, Isaiah 55:6-7, Matthew 7:7-8, Luke 11:9-10, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10